what happens...

I need to know what happens when you can only rely on yourself. It is a feeling i have felt for a while. My parents are too... whatever the hell goes on in their minds. It is a very lonely feeling knowing that all you have to rely on is yourself. But what if you don't trust yourself? I am not feeling very optimistic at the moment, so the answer to that question is "you're screwed". I want to know where all the pain and screwed up-ness started. Pandora's Box maybe? I don't know. I just wish i could keep all these problems from affecting me.

So.... POSSE :D

I have made it to the final round for the POSSE scholarship for Colby College and i hope and hope and hope that i get the scholarship. That is all i can think about right now!!!! woah.... this is like a dream.

more poetry

the mountain standing still
the city moves and pulses
Constant flowing thoughts
flow through underground tunnels
streaming energy

please take off
take off
go on get up
for privacy this is the wrong place
Go on get up be on your way

streaming energy for
eyes that sparkle everyday
those eyes are seen
by so many people
Opening and closing

I don't want to let you in
There's no room

please take off

take off 

go on get up

for privacy this is the wrong place

Go on get up be on your way

...

The fibers of my being feel like they are tearing apart! Senior year is crazy and weird, and i can't wait for college. I am going to be so content when i am in the world being challenged. But then i ask myself, well if you're not that happy now then why do you think you'll be happy then? And then i remember things will change, AND i will make sure they are changing for the better. I am slowly becoming more me, slowly figuring out who i am and experiencing what the world has to offer has just begun!

Hey

I'm on the subway
Hey look at me. HEY! Look at me.
The world shouts rhythmically

Push and pull, here and there
Take the handle
You'll get there

The subway car
Lights up the dark Tunnel
the couple smiles
The child laughs
A baby reaches and

Push and pull, here and there
Take the handle
You'll get there

The brakes are on
Your stations next
The couple laughs
the child frets

Open, close in and out
People's faces
sail about like
dreams on an open sea

Moving moving
don't dare follow me
your eyes are not accepted here
move along

choppy expressions
never a dull face
everyone thinking
of their happy place

Push and pull, here and there
Take the handle
You'll get there

Open-minded

What exactly does this mean? And further more, how can anyone be truly open-minded with all prejudices and instinctual tendencies that we have built in? Really ask yourself. How can you truly know yourself? Because in reality we learn new things about ourselves every day until we die. To think you truly know yourself is ignorance. It also gives you a feeling of superiority over others, allowing you to close yourself off, to protect yourself. You shouldn't have to protect yourself, you should be able to just let yourself be.

Time

I am living on borrowed time, or at least that's what it feels like. If it wasn't for medicine and all the advancements they've made over the years, i would have died about six years ago. Somehow, this isn't scary, just sad. When i think of all the people who wouldn't have touched my life. All the friends i wouldn't have missed, never having known them. I am happy i didn't die. These are the thoughts that circulate my mind when my birthday comes to town. SOOO CHEESEy!

Being Positive

I love being positive and happy. I love being nice. I love being optimistic. I don't let myself get pushed around. I am often shy when expressing my feelings towards someone i really like. I have trouble letting myself be vulnerable, like so many other people, i have been hurt before so i have a very sturdy wall. I hate bitches. I hate injustice. I believe that people should treat others the way they want to be treated, and i try to live by this.

I am not perfect.
                         I am not perfect.
                                                  I am not perfect.

I sometimes break my promises to myself. I consider the first paragraph of this post to be some of the promises i have made to myself, about who i want to be. I want to be loved. I want to give love. I want to be happy. I want to be a good person. I have no desire to create drama or be involved in or have anything to do with any kind of hatred. And, at the end of the day... i will stand up for myself, people whom i care for, and people who just don't deserve to be treated poorly. And now that i am typing this, i realize, and have realized before. That no one... no one deserves to be treated poorly.

But i can't stand up for everyone... I wish i could.

Bitch! Don't mess with me.

It was loud today. I mean loud. Like i could hear the lyrics from all the way upstairs, through the floor. So i waited a while and then i was fed up, because i needed to concentrate and the music was making that really difficult. So i went downstairs and knocked politely once, and louder again, and even louder again. The fourth time i knocked really loud and the wife of the very sweet man who lives downstairs came to the door. I said "Could you please turn your music down? I can hear it from all the way upstairs." And she said, in a very nasty voice, "It is daytime, so no." And promptly shut the door in my face. I do not take well to bitches. I like being nice, and i really try, but i am not one to let myself be pushed around. Aren't you supposed to treat your neighbors with respect? After all you do have to live with and around them. So i got angry. I didn't want to scream at her, because someone that inconsiderate does not deserve the effort i put in to try to communicate with people. So i did the only other thing any physically fit angry teenager would do: Get even. After all it was "daytime" right? Implying that i can do whatever the fuck i want to do during the day, and she can't do shit about it. I jumped. I jumped with all my might. I am strong and i have endurance. I jumped for a long time, 4-5 minutes straight, as hard as i could. Because, hey, it's "daytime." I did two rounds of five minute jumping, so hard that my whole apartment was shaking, the pictures were banging on the walls threatening to fall off. Sure enough, she came upstairs and knocked. Bitch, it's "daytime." Don't make me angry. And from then on, i had quiet.

I have a lot to say

I have a lot to say
Is that okay with you?

I want a life of love and peace
And happiness to follow me through

I have a lot to say
Hello sir, how do you do?

I like your hat your smile your laugh
I love you. How do YOU do?

I have a lot to say
is that okay with you?

I feel the same way
I love you too

I have a lot to say
It doesn't seem to come

It's frustrating as hell
cause fantasies can't keep me warm

I have a lot to say I have a lot to say I have a lot to say

(by Gabriella Landgraf - Neuhaus)

It's been so long

It's been so long
since i've known myself

Help me won't you please

It's been so long
since i've met myself

It makes me weak in the knees

It's been so long
since i've been myself

I can't find any relief

It's been so long
since i've seen myself

My eyes get lost in the trees

Help me find myself

Help me, won't you help me please?

Who the F**K are you to tell me what to do?

Well?? WHO ARE YOU?

How can you possibly believe that i would listen to someone who abandoned me?
How can you not see your own faults?
How can you not understand ways in which you could change for the better?
How can you tell me what to do, when you can't help me?
How can you tell me what to do, when you can't help yourself?
How can you run away, when life needs to be faced?
WELL?
Who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?

Running away is for the Weak of Mind

A poem i wrote in the moment just passed:

The fly casts a shadow on the screen
So close to freedom
yet so far away

I yearn to help the fly be free
How come it seems no one
is willing to help me?

The fly casts a shadow on the screen
It can feel the breeze under its wings
But something is there,
to stop it

I sympathize with the fly
And yet
I can do nothing,
but watch

Why is perfection so important?

I really don't know. I can only speculate, but that will come later. Perfection is so boring and yet so many people (myself included sometimes) try to put people off by seeming perfect, doing it to hide something about themselves, or to protect themselves from getting hurt. People who use the perfection illusion to keep a wall between them and other people are generally lonely and think that for people to love them, well, they have to be perfect because they don't love themselves and don't see how others could either. They can't love themselves because they hold themselves to impossible standards. Everyone has days where there is a wall up between them and the rest of the world. Everyone has days when they need to protect themselves a little more from getting hurt. Everyone has days when it seems easier to crawl inside their shells and not exist. That is fine sometimes, but people who do that too much, who have been hurt too many times, stop living. They are always fine, never bad, never good. To really experience life you HAVE to be willing to deal with the bad, because without it you never get the good. And that leads us to the topic of balance, which is for another time.

:...( Oh woe is me!

I saw this on a person who will remain anonymous' facebook, and it made me really sad. (Click on the pic to see it better) Such narrowmindedness. In every religion there are radicals and though i am not muslim, i know that islam does not teach killing, or that killing to make a statement is okay, rather any kind of killing like that goes against islam. Again, this picture makes me sad.

Pain

What is pain? No really, what is it? I'm not sure. There are so many different kinds. It is hard just to recognize the kind of pain you are experiencing, unless it is obvious physical pain... like having a tooth pulled or getting punched. It is hard to find the root of the pain and most of all it is hard to figure out how the pain has impacted your life. Life is hard. I want to go live somewhere else, away from this city full of pain and confused people.

Vaporize

"It's not too late to feel a little more alive"

Through the looking glass

Alice, or rather the person who wrote her story, got it right. Each person's lens is different. In other words, each person looks on life with a slightly different perspective. No one is objective when it comes to their life. This affects them living their life to the fullest. Some people are only willing to think up to a certain point, and then can go no deeper. Some can go deep but they cannot apply what they know to their own lives. Still others can go deep, and what scares them causes them to, not back away, but to try to find a solution to what they find when they go deep. The solution usually gets so convoluted that even the person doesn't really know why they are doing what they're doing, but by that time, they believe so deeply in the lie they created, it seems so real that they can make reasons on top of reasons, to explain the lies. This is called denial.
People look on life with so many different perspectives. That is precisely why psychology is so fascinating to most people. The variation in/ of our minds is infinite. So, psychologists can study forever and still be learning new things in their field every day, except human nature gets in the way.
Our minds do so much and yet we use them so little. There is a saying "A mind is a terrible thing to waste" It is in a NAACP commercial talking about college for African Americans who can't afford it. In reality though, wasting your mind is your choice. It's just that some people have to work harder at it than others. Your background can be shitty,  rich or poor, but that has nothing to do with the ability to overcome hard times.
"A Mind is a terrible thing to waste" But, in reality, most people waste their minds every day, EVEN those with a college education, because for one reason or another, they aren't REALLY paying attention. Your perspective on life is YOUR CHOICE. So the saying shouldn't be "A mind is a terrible thing to waste". It should be "Change your mind, Change your life".

Verification

Who says?

Who says you can't catch up on sleep? I just woke up from a four hour nap and i feel great! I was woken up from a dream though :( however i was dreaming and i was lying on the ground looking up at the sky, and because i couldn't feel the ground underneath me i was getting dizzy in my dream. This never happens in real life. i wonder what that means....

Hmmm....

Update: Exercise :D

Proud to announce that i have been going to the Y and it has been paying off. My heart rate running 1.5 miles (and .5 miles walking) at 6 miles an hour is down from 190 to 125. I am in really good condition and i feel great! YAY ME :)

A few things

I have a few things that have been on my mind lately that i want to address in this blog so bear with me. Sexism is the first on my list. I was reading posts on my facebook the other day and a friend who will remain anonymous commented on the following post:

"my sister asked why in call of duty u cant chose to be a girl. i told her because its Call of Duty NOT Call of Dishes!! lol then she got tight."

I don't think that anyone is conscious of how sexist we are. How the culture is (in general) not kind to women. The glass ceiling is a classic example of this theory. It happens everyday, a look on the train, an attitude. I believe that in general women have to work a lot harder than men at overcoming stereotypes and the pressures that the culture puts on them to be a certain way, to buy a certain product, to act a certain "acceptable" way. In reality women should behave the way that feels comfortable to them, dress the way that feels comfortable to them, wear makeup because it is their choice, not because they feel they have to do it to feel pretty. The society is like one big peer pressure machine. Ultimately, the media tells us (women, and men too) the way we should be seen and see others and that is wrong. We should all be equals and we should all work on making ourselves comfortable with who we are. We shouldn't have to cater to others. we should only be catering to ourselves.

Idea number two: What is normal really? (discussing peoples' behavior) Well, I don't believe that normal exists, not in any world where emotions are involved at least. However, maybe it exists in some parts of the scientific world, or any world with obvious patterns. But for people normal is a very subjective term and has to do with a large scale of different behavioral approaches to dealing with life. Different people deal with life in different ways and the scale that i am talking about is anything from being really mellow... to really crazy and neurotic. It is all relative to what you are used to, and what you can handle for long periods of time, without going crazy yourself. Again, what does the word normal mean to you?

The third and final idea that i will address today is anger.

Anger is a huge topic and i could write forever about it, however i won't do that. I will only discuss an observation i just made, with a little background discussion. I have always had issues with people when they get angry. I HATE when people get angry for stupid reasons, reasons they can't justify, being petty, or directing their anger at the wrong person just so that they can get it out. I HATE when people try to hurt people with anger, or try to prove point with it. And because i am so particular, about my anger and why it is directed at the person it is directed at; i am constantly observing my anger and other peoples' anger to try to make sure that i am not being a hypocrite. Anywho, my most recent observation on anger is that if the anger you felt/ feel towards the person is justified, then you will remember the reason. I believe, from experience that this is true, at least for me. I have had unjustified bouts of anger and i have had peoples' unjustified anger directed at me, and i know how awful it feels. I have also had anger at myself that has been having unrealistic expectations for myself, and not meeting them. Anger is not a fun emotion, but it is very necessary. Anger and passion come from the same place, and you can't really pick one emotion without the rest of them tagging along. Unjustified anger that is directed at you is so frustrating and confusing. However, when you are the one feeling that kind of anger towards someone else you should stop, take a deep breath, and really think about where the anger is coming from, and what the affects of the anger will be on person you are feeling the anger towards and on your relationship with the person. In my experience unjustified anger is very destructive and just not worth it, and you have a mind, so before you let your anger out, stop. And think. And talk. Those feelings are coming from somewhere.

How do you want to be remembered?

I see people who obviously don't care how they are remembered. They don't pay attention to how they treat others or how they approach life (their attitudes towards life). I say that people should behave the way they want to be remembered, because deep down everyone really does care, and they care how they are remembered. So treat people the way you want to be treated and if you feel like you don't deserve to be treated well, do something to change that.

Dilemma:

If I were mild, and I were sweet,
And laid my heart before your feet,
And took my dearest thoughts to you,
And hailed your easy lies as true;
Were I to murmur "Yes," and then
"How true, my dear," and "Yes," again,
And wear my eyes discreetly down,
And tremble whitely at your frown,
And keep my words unquestioning
My love, you'd run like anything!

Should I be frail, and I be mad,
And share my heart with every lad,
But beat my head against the floor
What times you wandered past my door;
Were I to doubt, and I to sneer,
And shriek "Farewell!" and still be here,
And break your joy, and quench your trust-
I should not see you for the dust!

Dorothy Parker

Change

Be the change you wish to see in the world- Gandhi

Mistakes and TV

Everyone makes them. I make them, you make them, well, you get the point. The important thing is that you make whatever you did wrong right. You say sorry, you acknowledge what you did, and you do your best to not do it again. Change isn't easy. It is a hard and lengthy process for most people and some people never really change. One thing this culture does, is make it ok for us to ignore reality, and facing reality is what helps us change. We ignore reality with our credit cards and spending beyond our means. We ignore reality when we make mistakes and don't say sorry, we ignore reality by watching TV. TV has been called the "opiate of the masses", it allows us to zone out, become passive, and it allows us to avoid. Our lives would be so much better without it, because if we absolutely had to face our realities, then we would be inclined to work our hardest to change whatever we aren't happy with. But because of our passive lives and the lives we see on TV the world seems so much harder than it is, and this is ridiculous because it is already pretty damn hard! Dealing with problems allows you to move on and change, and for the most part the way we live now stops this from being any easier. We would be happier, less fat, less depressed, less anxious about dealing with our lives if we were not so used to avoiding people. I am not saying stopping the patterns will be easy... for anyone, (yes, me too). As people say... Change is Hard.

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.

Barack Obama

I knew you had a flame in your heart,

Your cold cold heart. I wrote this at 12 midnight because i couldn't stop psychoanalyzing this person and i was losing sleep over it, which was just not okay. This is someone i love to hate and hate to love.

A Letter to _____:

Truly i am saddened to need to write this down at all. But you have problems that have been saddening and plaguing my mind every time i see you. Yesterday you called me ugly. You said life was better when i was absent. I am not denying that i have problems too. However, yours are deeply rooted. Your disrespect for your mother came from seeing a father disrespect and belittle her, and she didn't stand up for herself. This hurt you deeply, teaching you a general non-appreciation for women, leading you to copy your fathers ill behavior. Your father showed you very little love and you have always wanted your mother to stand up for herself, though in a twisted way, and you push and you push and you disrespect and she doesn't fight back, and this makes you angry. The imbalance between your masculine and feminine sides have led you to be a tad homophobic and sad because no one can be secure in themselves when masculine and feminine are not aligned. You weren't loved enough as a young child, leading you to have a low self worth, manifesting itself in the need to belittle me, to make me feel your pain, your suffering, to bring me down to your level, when in reality the "ugly" words you speak to me are words you feel about yourself. And with each word your soul gets blacker. Words have an undeniable energy, that goes out into the world and touches who it is meant for, just touches, but for those who speak the words it is absorbed, and ingrained into your being, your soul and slowly, you fall into a pattern, a pattern of negativity started when you were an unloved child, desiring his loving father and mother above all else. I can see the anger and the sadness you possess, in your jaw, your cold eyes, the harshness of your mouth and what comes out of it, and the way even your smile and laugh seem cruel and unforgiving. A person so unbalanced may strive for fame, money and even happiness, because they equate this with money, but even if they find it, because they are unbalanced, they will still hate themselves, still be seeking something they can't find... unless...

They break the pattern.

-Nice Words

-Love

-Kindness

And for your sake, and the world's, i hope you succeed in breaking this awful pattern

Sincerely, Gabriella

Exercise and the knots of existence

Please let me know if you have ideas for any creative insightful titles for my blog posts because i am kinda at a loss for them right now.

So i went to the gym yesterday for the first time in a long time, and realized how much better shape i'm in than i thought i was in :) Now this naturally made me really happy. However, i also realized how much power exercise holds. Exercise can pull you out of a funk and make you feel better about yourself, and can clear your mind all in one. It can also make you happy because it releases endorphins in your brain. But no matter what shape you're in, when you exercise, you should feel better about yourself because you are taking the time to love and care for your body, taking the time to get to know and understand your body. Many, many people have trouble loving themselves and their bodies, hey, even those people who seem confident. You never know what's a front for something else. So please, take the time to love yourself, and your body, and it'll love you back.

A Poem I wrote:

Love

I hear the whisper

As the winds

Caress my ear

I hear the song

the leaves

play for me

on a beautiful instrument

unknown to man

I hear the whisper

as my heart

becomes one

with them

with them

with them

Love is a funny thing

is a funny thing

is a funny thing

Volunteering

I aggressively recommend volunteering. Whenever i give my time to make the world a better place i always feel better about myself. Because you're not doing it for the money, for what society tells you you are "supposed" to do it for, you're doing it for the greater good, for the earth, for the future. America (this really applies to ALL people though) was founded on prospects, and the future, and not that i am really that patriotic, but i believe that if we go back to our roots we will find that we need to focus more on taking care of the people of this country; immigrants or not... who gives a shit?? They are people and people deserve respect! I believe that if we take care of our people, slowly, maybe very slowly, but surely, this country's problems will start to get better...and stay better!

Sometimes we need help

We need to remember:(by Gabs)

We need to remember that we are worth it.

We need to remember that we are smart.

That we have what it takes

that ultimately, it is inside us

Sometimes we need help

We need help remembering

Somehow we let ourselves forget

How awesome we are

How much drive we have in us

We forget, and all we need

Is a little help

(Thanks Mike :)

Friends

My friends make me want to be a better person. They help me see things in different lights and they are there for me when i'm having such a bad day that i can't hide it, or deal with it myself the way i usually do. My friends make me so happy when i see their faces in the morning. It's like coming up for a breath of fresh air. I love the people i talk to, and even some of the people i don't talk to or don't talk to as much anymore for one reason or another. I think that every encounter, every friend, is there for a reason. Every day that we spend with a person we like is a gift. Every honest moment we have with someone, like playing in snow at wave hill, swinging in trees, riding tireswings, laughing, playing soccer, all are gifts. Enjoy them.

Comment:

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.

Dorothy Parker

The Searched Soul:

When I consider, pro and con, What things my love is built upon -- A curly mouth; a sinewed wrist; A questioning brow; a pretty twist Of words as old and tried as sin; A pointed ear; a cloven chin; Long, tapered limbs; and slanted eyes Not cold nor kind nor darkly wise -- When so I ponder, here apart, What shallow boons suffice my heart, What dust-bound trivia capture me, I marvel at my normalcy. Dorothy Parker

Humira, My miracle worker

haha, i haven't felt this good in soooo long!!! I am, wow, i feel so free. I feel practically normal, and just in time for summer! I have Crohn's disease, an inflammation of the intestine, my disease is particularly in the ileum, where the small and large intestine meet. I have been on so many meds, but i feel lucky compared to a lot of people with this disease. I've never needed surgery or prednisone.

I've had this disease since i was eleven, and now i'm almost seventeen. I can't begin to explain what it feels like to be sick, and to have been sick since february of junior year! and just to start feeling better now.... But i'll take what i can get and more, and what matters is that i'm happy now and i feel better!!! I can now live my life this summer!!! YAY Humira!!!

A poem I wrote:

The World as I see it

These wasteful people

with their air conditioners on

These wasteful people

with their air conditioners on

Not opening windows

Not changing

To feel the breeze

It was hot

Now it's not

Change

Open your windows to feel the breeze

Children

I love kids. They can be so innocent and sweet and cute, and when they're sad i want to make them happy. I loved being a kid and sometimes still act like one. (Mom and Me at first bday see right) Riding tire swings, running around, rolling down hills, snow ball fights, etc. I am dramatic sometimes too, just like some kids and really naive sometimes. I need statements of feelings because i am sometimes bad at figuring things out for myself, sometimes i need a little help. Like everyone else...

I am sad when i see people who have lost touch with their inner child, lost some of that joy...and even sadder when i see a lifetime of pain

A poem I wrote:

Unkind Eyes

On the subway

on the streets

Those unkind eyes

stare through

right through

Unhappy People,

moving through the world

As if in a dream

They can't wake up

They can't break free

I want to help

those unhappy people

Those unkind eyes

Look around

Times may get hard

Look around

Life is worth it

Look around

you unkind eyes

and...

Soften.

Trying to work

Have you ever procrastinated?

and Procrastinated...

and...

and.............

PROCRASTINATED. OMG this is so frustrating! Any tips?? Because i am definitely not perfect!

I have a long list of things to do!

So many wants and aspirations...

A poem I wrote:

Imaginary Girl

Been floating through the world

like an imaginary girl

without any help or pearls

I'm an Imaginary Girl

People snicker

and look away

When i pass by

they say

She's just an Imaginary Girl

a product of this crazy world

Oh, I yearn to go away

Live a life of fun

and say

I'm not an Imaginary Girl

I'm NOT an Imaginary Girl!