Being Positive

I love being positive and happy. I love being nice. I love being optimistic. I don't let myself get pushed around. I am often shy when expressing my feelings towards someone i really like. I have trouble letting myself be vulnerable, like so many other people, i have been hurt before so i have a very sturdy wall. I hate bitches. I hate injustice. I believe that people should treat others the way they want to be treated, and i try to live by this.

I am not perfect.
                         I am not perfect.
                                                  I am not perfect.

I sometimes break my promises to myself. I consider the first paragraph of this post to be some of the promises i have made to myself, about who i want to be. I want to be loved. I want to give love. I want to be happy. I want to be a good person. I have no desire to create drama or be involved in or have anything to do with any kind of hatred. And, at the end of the day... i will stand up for myself, people whom i care for, and people who just don't deserve to be treated poorly. And now that i am typing this, i realize, and have realized before. That no one... no one deserves to be treated poorly.

But i can't stand up for everyone... I wish i could.

Bitch! Don't mess with me.

It was loud today. I mean loud. Like i could hear the lyrics from all the way upstairs, through the floor. So i waited a while and then i was fed up, because i needed to concentrate and the music was making that really difficult. So i went downstairs and knocked politely once, and louder again, and even louder again. The fourth time i knocked really loud and the wife of the very sweet man who lives downstairs came to the door. I said "Could you please turn your music down? I can hear it from all the way upstairs." And she said, in a very nasty voice, "It is daytime, so no." And promptly shut the door in my face. I do not take well to bitches. I like being nice, and i really try, but i am not one to let myself be pushed around. Aren't you supposed to treat your neighbors with respect? After all you do have to live with and around them. So i got angry. I didn't want to scream at her, because someone that inconsiderate does not deserve the effort i put in to try to communicate with people. So i did the only other thing any physically fit angry teenager would do: Get even. After all it was "daytime" right? Implying that i can do whatever the fuck i want to do during the day, and she can't do shit about it. I jumped. I jumped with all my might. I am strong and i have endurance. I jumped for a long time, 4-5 minutes straight, as hard as i could. Because, hey, it's "daytime." I did two rounds of five minute jumping, so hard that my whole apartment was shaking, the pictures were banging on the walls threatening to fall off. Sure enough, she came upstairs and knocked. Bitch, it's "daytime." Don't make me angry. And from then on, i had quiet.

I have a lot to say

I have a lot to say
Is that okay with you?

I want a life of love and peace
And happiness to follow me through

I have a lot to say
Hello sir, how do you do?

I like your hat your smile your laugh
I love you. How do YOU do?

I have a lot to say
is that okay with you?

I feel the same way
I love you too

I have a lot to say
It doesn't seem to come

It's frustrating as hell
cause fantasies can't keep me warm

I have a lot to say I have a lot to say I have a lot to say

(by Gabriella Landgraf - Neuhaus)

It's been so long

It's been so long
since i've known myself

Help me won't you please

It's been so long
since i've met myself

It makes me weak in the knees

It's been so long
since i've been myself

I can't find any relief

It's been so long
since i've seen myself

My eyes get lost in the trees

Help me find myself

Help me, won't you help me please?

Who the F**K are you to tell me what to do?

Well?? WHO ARE YOU?

How can you possibly believe that i would listen to someone who abandoned me?
How can you not see your own faults?
How can you not understand ways in which you could change for the better?
How can you tell me what to do, when you can't help me?
How can you tell me what to do, when you can't help yourself?
How can you run away, when life needs to be faced?
WELL?
Who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?

Running away is for the Weak of Mind

A poem i wrote in the moment just passed:

The fly casts a shadow on the screen
So close to freedom
yet so far away

I yearn to help the fly be free
How come it seems no one
is willing to help me?

The fly casts a shadow on the screen
It can feel the breeze under its wings
But something is there,
to stop it

I sympathize with the fly
And yet
I can do nothing,
but watch

Why is perfection so important?

I really don't know. I can only speculate, but that will come later. Perfection is so boring and yet so many people (myself included sometimes) try to put people off by seeming perfect, doing it to hide something about themselves, or to protect themselves from getting hurt. People who use the perfection illusion to keep a wall between them and other people are generally lonely and think that for people to love them, well, they have to be perfect because they don't love themselves and don't see how others could either. They can't love themselves because they hold themselves to impossible standards. Everyone has days where there is a wall up between them and the rest of the world. Everyone has days when they need to protect themselves a little more from getting hurt. Everyone has days when it seems easier to crawl inside their shells and not exist. That is fine sometimes, but people who do that too much, who have been hurt too many times, stop living. They are always fine, never bad, never good. To really experience life you HAVE to be willing to deal with the bad, because without it you never get the good. And that leads us to the topic of balance, which is for another time.

:...( Oh woe is me!

I saw this on a person who will remain anonymous' facebook, and it made me really sad. (Click on the pic to see it better) Such narrowmindedness. In every religion there are radicals and though i am not muslim, i know that islam does not teach killing, or that killing to make a statement is okay, rather any kind of killing like that goes against islam. Again, this picture makes me sad.

Pain

What is pain? No really, what is it? I'm not sure. There are so many different kinds. It is hard just to recognize the kind of pain you are experiencing, unless it is obvious physical pain... like having a tooth pulled or getting punched. It is hard to find the root of the pain and most of all it is hard to figure out how the pain has impacted your life. Life is hard. I want to go live somewhere else, away from this city full of pain and confused people.